Metal Family Imagine #1

[ORIGINAL VIDEO]
[SUBBED VIDEO] by heavibear (@ratibear on Instagram)

Dima: “Imagine"... If you guys didn’t know, that’s how all scenarios for Metal Family were created. They started with the words: “Imagine…”

For example, we went to a quest (escape room). 

“Imagine if our characters went to a quest!”

“Imagine if our characters played poker!”

“Imagine if our characters went to the Wacken festival!”

“Imagine if our characters were there, there, there, here…”

“Hehehehe! Awesome, let’s write that down!”

That’s how all scenarios were made.

Of course, most of these “imagine…” will not appear in the series, because, well... at that point it’d be plagiarism. We can’t make an episode of Metal Family where the characters are DC superheroes

[Characters on screen: Banectoria, Glaman, Shazeavy, Deedler]

But at least we can discuss this topic

You know, unlike me, Alina often reads fanfics and finds something that makes her go...

Alina: [laughs hysterically]

Dima: What, what, what is it?

Alina: Just reading a fanfic.

Once upon a time, Glam went into Dee’s room, and Dee was sitting in the corner and crying.

“What’s wrong, Dee?” asked Glam.

“My… girlfriend left me…” answered Dee.

“I unders-... I understand” said Glam, “Victoria used to leave me too. With a suplex...”

[The joke here is that "to leave/dump" in Russian (бросать) can also mean "throw"]

[Note on screen: I’m so romantic]

Dima: Obviously there’s nothing left of MF characters here. Which is sad, because some works are actually okay. [List of fanfics on screen: Recover, Something about camping where Gustav befriended Dee, Ches has a daughter, Ches and Glam were kidnapped by a girl]

But it’s obvious that the writers are a bit inconsistent with characters’ personalities.

[On screen: Fanfic] Of course, that’s what fanfics are for, to change the characters a bit. To adjust them to your story or plot.

Dee: Teach me how to play the guitar… right now!

Dima: But I think you’ll agree that writing a good story while keeping the original personalities of the characters is a lot more interesting.

[On screen: Canon]

Dee: The hell would I need your balalaika?

Dima: You don’t agree? Damn. Well, that’s it! Credits roll!

And now you, yes you! Before I tell you, try to guess the events. Imagine… If Glam and family would be on Titanic. How would it all turn out?

Well, PauL iK, [russian youtuber, get ready for more of them] did you guess already? [On screen: always cool makeup] Good job! Ok, Flutter Green, Dantekris, Jiskiran, LANDAU, Alen, Windy, Heavy - I mean Angelina, Zicev, did you all guess?

OK, let’s compare!

Let’s start by recognizing, that if the events happen before the collision with the iceberg, then it’d not be interesting at all. Glam would determine that the speed of the Titanic is too high, get to the captain and convince him not to speed up.

Glam: What’s the hurry? Okay.

Dima: The captain won’t speed up, notice the iceberg, dodge in time, the catastrophe won't happen —who freaking needs this script?

If the events happen after the collision, let’s say Glam wasn’t allowed to prevent the catastrophe, which is weird, then it seems more interesting. But! If the family is together, then it’s boring again.

Glam would instantly know where they’ve been hit, how long the Titanic would sink for, and that the Titanic would sink exactly nose down. And then he would lead the construction of a raft and everyone would safely escape.

But what if we separate the family? Yes, that’s how we came up with the script of The Quest. Oddly enough, any pair would survive the catastrophe.

Let’s start with the split of Glam + Victoria and Dee + Heavy. Yeah, the latter would have it rough. Heavy would constantly act dumb, screw up and make it difficult for his brother to save their asses.

Dee: I’ll go find a rope.

Man: Oh! What’s that you’re making?

Heavy: Dee said the ship is sinking and there’s not enough boats, so we’re making a raft from life jackets!

Dee: Heavy, goddammit!

Man: Guys, I’ll take this, okay?

Dee: Yeah, yeah, take it. Let’s go to the opposite deck. Don’t say anything about a raft.

Heavy: Got it. But if we don’t tell them, they might die...

Dee: And if you don’t shut up then we'll both die! Here, take this rope. If someone asks, just say we’re making… whale bait.

Dima: And that would actually work!

Man: Hey guys! What’s that you got? Looks like a raft!

Heavy: Nah, it’s whale bait.

Man: Pff, dumbasses. Dumb kids! Who makes a raft like that?

Dima: In the end, Dee’s creation will save them both, but not without effort.

Vicky and Glam… well, it’s simple.

Glam: It’s fine. The ship got a few holes below the waterline with a total length of 90 meters. 5 of the front compartments suffered serious damages and are being filled with water. There’s not enough lifeboats, which means we have 2 hours and 40 minutes to construct our own floating device. That’ll be enough.

Dima: Well… well, okay. Maybe they’ll even have time to… walk around the cargo.

Vicky: Ha! Fucking awesome car, girl!

Dima: In short, Glam’s good wit would let them make a raft in a place they wouldn’t be seen, and Vicky’s good knowledge of engines would let her create a motor for the boat from shit and sticks.

Vicky: What the hell is that whale bait?

Dima: What about Glam + Dee and Vicky + Heavy? In that case, the duo of Vicky and Heavy would simply get to the lifeboats by force.

Vicky: Out of the way! I’m a woman! With a child!

Someone: Oh man, she’s right! Let her through!

Woman: I’m also a woman!

Vicky: Fuck off! … I’m a woman!

Dima: And the duo of Glam and Dee would practically make a teleporter… just kidding. These 2 just have so many ways to escape that I don’t even see the point of listing them.

Now let’s look at the split of Glam + Heavy and Vicky + Dee. With the latter it’s simple: Vicky would use the same strategy she used with Heavy and it will work.

Vicky: Out of the way! I’m a woman!

Dee: Mom, I’m not a child anymore.

Vicky: With a child! [to Dee] Shut up.

Dima: The only difference is that Dee would be very embarrassed. And in the duo of Glam and Heavy, Heavy would simply not defy his father and scrictly do as he says, ensuring themselves with a water vehicle.

What? I didn’t mention Ches? Because it’s Ches! The Titanic would either defy all laws of physics and stop sinking, and float until the nearest shore, or Ches would grab the first board he sees and ride off on it like a surfboard, on a single wave that would appear. Or he'd get help from dolphins.

Ches: Actually, those are sharks.

Or he’d simply… fly off. In any case, it’s Ches. He’ll somehow make it

If we take secondary characters, Bug would die a brave death. Anna would just die. Gustav, using his status, would be the first to get to the lifeboats and would even shoot anyone who tries to get through.

Gustav: You’re all nothings!

Alina: Why ‘nothings’?

Gustav: I dunno!

Alina: Just ‘nothing’!

Gustav: But 'nothings' is funnier!

Dima: Lydia would also use it. Plus she’s a woman so they’d let her pass. Plus she’s rich so they’d let her pass. Plus she’s good at negotiating so they’d let her pass. Anyway, she has lots of advantages, even more that her father. So if we think who’d survive: Gustav or Lydia, then Lydia would obviously have better chances.

I won’t even mention Rowd, he’d just sink.

Gustav: Rowd, quickly! Seal off the air locks!

Rowd: You really think my job here is to…

Dima: The teacher from the first episode would not be able to get through due to her size and terrible behaviour.

Teacher: Let me through! I’m a teacher! Let me through! Damn, I’m too fat!

Man: Yeah, yeah, there’s 2 of them in there already. We don’t freaking need a third one.

Teacher 2: Definitely.

Dima: Poor Gopher wouldn’t be considered a child and would be left to sink, listening to classical music.

Gopher: Goddammit!

Dima: Because rap wasn’t invented back then yet.

Gopher: I’m gonna make him eat his violin!

[On screen: Don’t come out to the deck after dark - administration]

Dima: Contra-Stas would follow the instructions too strictly, so not only would they sink, but also take the others with them.

Contra-Stas: Sir, sir! You can’t leave for the deck after dark! Sir, sir! Ah! Grab him! S-s-sir! Oh, a woman! And with a child too! Grab her! EVERYONE, SINK!

Dima: Valen would also sink with his golden watch. The mustached man would try to seal off the hole until the very end. Mr. Cardan wouldn’t even realize anything. Of course there’s a few more characters, but I can’t tell you their names, nor how they would act, so…

It’d be interesting to hear your opinions on this topic! Maybe you’d be interested to know how the characters of MF would act in the movie Terminator, or Kung Fu Panda, or Pulp Fiction…

Write in the comments which movie you’d like to see the characters of MF acting in next time.

But don’t write to me in DMs!

IT’S FREAKING FULL ALREADY!