Metal Family Imagine #2
“Imagine if the characters of Metal Family were in Winx Club” [Dima and Alina laugh]
Still, some of the very first comments were about Harry Potter… Ok, let it be Harry Potter. Though, I didn’t watch all of it… Just the first 1 and a half movies. Around 15 years ago. On a square, fat television with a resolution of 2:2 pixels. But even with that quality I was impressed by the realistic special effects and animation physics, when it suddenly replaced the actors.
Anyway, since I didn’t know much about Harry Potter I decided to watch this… saga? Or how is it called?
Alina: Potteriana.
Dima: Potteriana?
Alina: Potter-iana.
Dima: Sounds like a spell.
Alina: Well, someone called it that.
Dima: Potterianus!
Okay, let’s watch.
What the? WOW, what great acting! Why is he doing this?! Such diverse facial expressions, Harry! Shut that gremlin up already, you were supposed to stay quiet! THE CAKE, the cake! Don’t go after the cake! You’ll get blamed for everything, idiot!
Alina: But that’s what he wanted.
Dima: Wanted what?
Alina: He wanted everyone... to... blame…?
Dima: No, I think he just wanted to catch that cake.
Alina: He was trying to fucking catch it for a whole minute, with arms reaching out like this. Then he’s just an idiot.
Dima: Yeah, he caught that flying thing… but the cake, no! Not the cake!
Don’t think I didn’t like this epic, but honestly, Lord Of the Rings that came out the same year is still watchable and doesn’t get old. But Harry is the product of that time, made for the kids of that time, and it got old, because when kids grow up they start having questions like “Why the fuck are you so STUPID, Harry?!”
Well, whatever, that’s not the point. Ok…
“Imagine if the characters of Metal Family were in Harry Potter”
So, which character from MF will be Harry? We thought about it, and based on how much he's developed in the movies and books, the perfect pick is… Kudryash! (Curlton)
Kudryash: Eheheh! I feel so important! The puh-protagonist!
Dima: Yeah, you can’t put the characters of MF as the main cast, since the whole story of Harry Potter won’t even happen. So we’ll just place them in the setting of the books! As students, teachers, headmasters, etc. It will look like a series of small sketches. And please, don’t puzzle over such things as “But if this character is here, then why is that character here? And who this character is for that one? Uh… Uhhh…”. Our task is to laugh while keeping the nature of the characters. Let’s go!
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Hat: Gryffindor!
Teacher: Heavy.
Draco: Pheh, assigning the newbies…
Goyle: I hope they won’t put this redhead idiot into Slytherin.
Dee: Yeah, and that idiot is my brother.
Hat: Ew, god! When did you last wash your hair?!
Heavy: I want Gryffindor.
Hat: Who cares what you want! Because of you they’re gonna wash me, I’m a freaking hat after all! Fine, Gryffindor!
Slytherins: We’re all assholes in Slytherin. We’re so gross. We’re so terrible. We’re all baddies.
Dee: Yeah yeah, I’m such a villain…
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Teacher: Tell me, what will happen if you mix the root of asphodel with an artemisia potion? Where can you find a bezoar stone?
Heavy: IF YOU MIX THE ROOT OF ASPHODEL WITH AN ARTEMISIA POTION YOU’LL GET A SLEEPING POTION CALLED “THE DRINK OF DEATH”. BEZOAR IS A STONE THAT IS OBTAINED FROM A GOAT'S STOMACH AND IS AN ANTIDOTE FOR MOST VENOMS.
Teacher: Heavy… Tell your brother that, despite him being one of my best students, I won’t allow any “Right Answer” spells in my classes.
Heavy: Sorry…
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Vicky: Okay kids, let’s learn to fly on the broom! Here, this broom is great! It's got a chain and everything, all how it should be. This is a classic broom… well, with a medium seat. And this… this is a sporty broom, for fans of racing around. I don’t suggest it for beginners.
Anna: What do you mean? It’s a great broom. Way better than that old trash you showed earlier. Kids, a sporty broom is what you need!
Vicky: Kids, don’t listen to this hag! Chopper brooms are the best! They’re comfy, they’re practical…
Anna: Ha, just try to play quidditch on that hunk of junk.
Vicky: I’ll outplay you even on this broom from ‘78!
Anna: Oh yeah? Try it.
Vicky: Oh yeah? Let’s do it right now!
Kids: But who’s gonna teach us to fly on the brooms…?
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[On the board: Rational Thinking, magic doesn’t exist, tricks = illusions, curses = accidents, magic potions are chemicals]
Glam: Well, now. Rational Thinking class. As you know, magic doesn’t exist, it’s just an illusion. The living paintings are monitors, they’re showing videos. The moving staircases move thanks to mechanisms and electricity. Everything is quite understandable.
Student: But they’re… flying.
Glam: No, they’re not flying. They’re hung on strings.
Student: But they teach us magic here!
Glam: No, they teach you illusions. You’re gonna become illusionists and perform in a circus! Hohoho! You’ll take a hat and pull a rabbit out of it. That’s your future job…
Teacher 1: What is he going on about?!
Teacher 2: What the hell is he even doing here?!
Dumbledore: M-my good friend Ches persuaded me into letting him work here. That’s how I assigned half the teachers here. Through ads.
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Dumbledore: And so… Slytherin got the most points. 470-something. However! We must take into account the recent events, so I’ll declare some additional points. I give Hermione 50 points for being cold-blooded. I give Ron 50 points for the best game of chess I’ve ever seen. And I give Harry 60 points for courage and intrepidity.
Dee: Ok, wait, seriously? We at Slytherin earned the points fairly by using our knowledge, skills and abilities, ripping out every single point.
Crabbe: Eheheh, “point”. [The joke here is that the word “point” in Russian (очко) can also mean “ass hole”]
Dee: And you give away such a number of points simply out of sympathy?
Dumbledore: B-but it’s HARRY!
Dee: FUCK HARRY. Hermione got 50 points for being cold-blooded? We’re ALL cold-blooded in Slytherin.
Slytherins: Yeah, yeah!
Dee: Then give each one of us additional 50 points. And at what point was she even cold-blooded? When she ran up to Ron during the chess match and almost ruined it? Huh? Speaking of that chess match Ron got 50 points for… Hey, Ron, how about we play chess? I’ll tear your scandinavian defense to shreds. And that match didn’t even end in a checkmate. It was a check. The whites could’ve used a queen as a shield. And it’d be interesting to see how Harry would destroy that giant with his fickle hands. By the way, Harry got 60 points for bravery? Aren’t you mixing bravery with idiocy? You think bravery is fighting a troll alone inside of a restroom instead of calling the adults? Or is it bravery sneaking into a restricted area for the students?
Slytherins: Yeah, yeah!
Draco: Awesome speech. By the way, I suggest choosing…
Dee: Just hold on. I believe the headmaster of Hogwarts endangers his students and is unable to fulfill his duties.
Dumbledore: B-but what… HARRY! HAAARRY!!!
Ches: Hey dudes! Yup, the ministry of magic also agrees. Sit down, Dee. Sorry dude, but you’re temporarily removed from your role. Now I’m the headmaster. I hope you don’t mind. I’ll implement only a few changes, all of them for the better, believe me.
[Signs on the fence: DANGER!, Don’t come closer]
[Sign on the wall: Smoking zone]
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Announcer: The quaffle is released! And the game begins!
Vicky: Sorry, dude.
Kudryash: Another goal for Slytherin!
Draco: I’m such a bitch!
Kudryash: Harry Potter caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!
Ches: Wait, wait, wait, what the hell is this? Why did Gryffindor win?
Dumbledore: Well, because… HARRY caught the snitch!
Ches: So what? It doesn’t seem fair that Harry ate some piece of metal and Slytherin lost after that, while leading with a score of 90 : 10. No, let’s do it this way: for a simple goal you get 10 points, and for the snitch - 30. Is that fair? Does everyone agree?
Crowd: Well, yeah…
Dumbledore: But HAAAA-
Ches: Great.
Kudryash: Slytherin wins… with a score of 100 : 40.
Guy 1: I think someone cast a spell on his broom…
Guy 2: Nah, that’s just his style of flight.
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Ches: Attention please. We have some problems with the dark lord… But don’t worry, my homies will protect us! Here they are.
Student: Dementors!
Ches: Well yeah, dementors, but they’re cool! Look! Be careful though, they got this habit… They like to suck… life. They never sucked me, though. They have almost sucked Harry on the train… Harry, what are you so shy for? One time doesn’t make you a dementorsexual. And you weren’t the one sucking. If those dementors will bother you, just use expecto patronum and they’ll leave. You should practice a little, just in case.
Heavy: Expecto patronum! Oh, how cute!
Vicky: Okay… expecto patronum! Eheheh, cool!
Anna: Expecto patronum.
Glam: Why do I need that? I don’t believe in magic. What is that on your shoulder?
Ches: It’s a honey badger, it doesn’t care. Just take the wand and say “expecto patronum”.
Glam: No, I won’t. I don’t believe in it.
Ches: Just say it for me!
Glam: Well, fine. Expecto patronum. Oh, these hallucinations. It appears I'll have to increase the dosage.
Dee: Expecto patronum. Expecto patronum… damn. Can’t even show how to summon a patronus correctly, damn wizards. Expecto patronum!
Heavy: Dee, you already summoned it… there it is. What kind of beast is that?
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Ches: That’s the goblet on fire… I’m already laughing… It has water in it, namely soup. You must visit the cursed lands before sunset... and get onions, potatoes, beets and carrots. Mince everything up and put it into the goblet.
Student: And then… the one who puts it in… will participate… in the triwizard tournament?
Ches: No, then we will get a borscht. I’m tired of this magic food, it gives me heartburns. And THAT’S the goblet of fire. But you know about it. And so, the triwizard tournament is now open! What can go wrong?
Voldemort: Hahaha! I won! My hellish plan is executed! Now everything will SUCK! Now we’re all villains!
Neville: Harry died… but he didn’t die… because he died… but he didn’t, but died, and… Damn. Fuck it!
Heavy: Voldemort sucks!
Neville: Together we’ll win!
Dee: Let’s get the hell out of here…
[epic battle time]
Crowd: What is this?!
Glam: Science, goddammit.
Guy: But he will resurrect. You need the horcruxes to kill him.
Glam: Resurrect? I wouldn’t do that if I were him. Haha!
Vicky: Wow, you killed Voldemort?
Glam: Yes. Gasp! What a pretty witch. May I invite you for a cup of… beer?
Vicky: Fine, let’s fly. I have a fucking awesome broom, look!
Glam: Ohoho! Hallucinations, love them!
Voldemort: WHAT ASSHOLE DID THIS?!
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