RAGE #1

[ORIGINAL VIDEO]

EVIL... Evil!

RAGE #1
Part 1: Wonderland

Dima: In the last video “a little about the plans” Alina mentioned certain individuals, who thought they didn’t have to negotiate with us and started selling merch with our characters and trademark. You wouldn’t believe it, but after that we got an email from Wonderland! “No way!” we thought, “Are they actually gonna apologize? Or maybe even give us money”...

[TL note: The email is written with a lot of spelling mistakes, but for the sake of clean translation I’ll correct it.]

“Hello! This is the Wonderland shop. Lately we’ve been getting messages from school kids (2 people) with various complaints. I don’t understand why you couldn’t contact me directly…”

Dima: Oh, so it’s not you who has to contact us when you plan on selling merch with our trademark, huh?

“I completely can’t understand that. I can offer you partnership with our store…”

Dima: What fucking partnership are you talking about when you already broke all forms of conduct?

“1. We can sell your merch together with ours in our store…”

Dima: I feel like you wouldn’t agree with that, because your prices for our products would be… way higher.

“2. We sign an agreement to sell products with your trademark…”

Dima: No need, guys! You’re already doing great.

“3. We can pay royalties for each product…”

Dima: Well, do it then, what’s stopping you?

“I don’t understand why you dump all your negativity on us…”

Dima: Trust me, you don't have any idea what ALL our negativity looks like…

“Firstly, we don’t produce the cups and t-shirts ourselves, but buy it from a manufacturer…”

Dima: Yeah. And you don’t care if the manufacturer produces them legally or not, right?

“Secondly, with all due respect…”

Dima: I haven’t noticed any.

“... we don’t earn “mountains of gold” off merch…”

Dima: It doesn’t matter how much money you make! It’s the fact that you consciously started selling products with our characters without our knowledge, thinking we’re dumbasses who wouldn’t notice it — that’s the whole reason for our bewilderment.

“We can help you with sponsorship of the second season of your project. You just had to contact us directly, and not through your fans...”

Dima: Daaamn, such a lost opportunity! We should’ve messaged them!

“We can meet up and discuss the matters of partnership. We’re all for it.”

Dima: Again, if you decided to sell merch with our characters, then how on earth would we know that?! Or you think we’re some kind of fucking psychics? [unholy sounds] Wonderland decided to sell merch! Fuck the second season, we have to contact them now! Right?

FUCK NO! It’s you who decided to sell merch, not us! So before putting your fucking products on your shit website, YOU, yes you, have to firstly ask US “can we do that?”.

But, “EH, FUCK ‘EM” you thought, “We’ll just start selling, and if these assholes message us, we’ll lay down our conditions to these idiots”.

[clears throat] Despite our flaming butts, we answered with maximum restraint.

“Hello, Irina, there’s no need to accuse us, we didn’t send anybody after you, nor have even thought about it. Honestly, we don’t have time for something like that. [skipped thought it, since it’s long] We'd like to know more about those unscrupulous manufacturers. Left our phone number, etc…”

Dima: Well, since you’ve said you only bought it, but someone else is producing it, then tell us who’s producing it. What, don’t wanna turn them in? Or maybe you’re producing it after all!

Well, doesn’t matter. Here’s an interesting answer we got:

“It’s a bit strange that you had time to cram exclusively our products into your video, but not write us an email…”

Dima: At this point we were completely screwed.
You know, it's like if you had a garden that had unique purple apples growing in it, and you sell them at a bazaar. Then you see how some fucker not only got into your garden, stole a few baskets of apples, but also started selling your apples at the same bazaar as you, while standing right next to you.
[The thief rewrites the word "soski" (meaning "nipples") to "so skidkoy" (meaning "on sale")]

And you got regular customers, so you're like: "can you believe it, this asshole got into my garden yesterday, stole my apples and now stands right next to me, selling them".

Customers: Wow, what a dick! What the hell?

Thief: Why are you sending your customers after me?! I, for the record, am not against cooperation! Was it so hard to contact me directly? Dropping all your negativity on me! God damn! I'll pay you some percentage from it.

Dima: Arrogant and stupid.

"We're not happy with the tone of our conversation, so if you're not against cooperation, then: You remove all products of our brand. You name us the manufacturers who use our brand. We're okay with any answer from you." [27th of November. "It's been a month!"]

Dima: And what do you think? You think they removed the products with our brand? Nope. They continued selling this shit. You can buy it right now. [message on screen: "YOU FUCKING BITCHES!!!!!!"]

I hope after this video your sales won't just drop — they'd fucking plummet. Assholes.

To be honest, this is not the first shop who's doing this type of business without our permission. But most people selling merch with out characters responded adequately and removed the product immediately. Without any legal fees and other bullshit none of us needed.

We don't have a mission to demand money from such people. In fact, this video is done not for money or blackmail, all we want is to spread information about Wonderland's attitude towards us. I hope they liked it. Bitches.

Part 2: Hyundai

Dima: And about this manufacturer I wanted to talk at least 2 years ago!

Dima from the past: Actually… Actually, I wanted to talk to you about such unbelievably amazing things like buying an air conditioner. “It doesn’t fucking work, this fucking shit!”...

Dima: Yesss. "Fucking shit". And now in order.

Alina and I live in a rental, one bedroom apartment. There is no AC and it gets really hot during the summer. And exactly at that time we've left our jobs, so we had to work at home, without an AC. We decided to buy a floor standing one — but don't start saying that all floor standing AC's are shit. I had one at home before and it was cooling wonderfully. At work I also had a standing one, which did even better than the mounted one. So the important thing is to choose the right brand. Not some "soioi, huisasa", but a normal one. 
The choice fell on Hyundai. They make cars after all, and cars have ACs! And they don't seem bad, right? So everything should be great.

This monster looks like this. Notice the first deception: do you see this grate? It's implied that cold air blows from it. If only it was actually this size, but no, it's a trick. Because most of it is just a metal, black plate disguised as the hole. In reality the hole looks like this. But if it was sold like this, then people would realize that this little hole can't possibly blow enough air to cool down even an elevator.

Notice the panel. Sure, it seems fine, but! On normal ACs the panel is placed over here [I'm talking about the angle], or here, somewhere over here, or like this, because you at least expect to see what temperature you've set it to. In case the remote doesn't indicate it.

Sure, you can see it fine up close, but what's the remote for? So you could step back. Since the remote doesn't have any numbers, I need to be able to see from a distance of at least 2 meters. But from 2 meters it looks like this. Even worse if you sit down... Maybe I'm just really short, and Koreans are 2-meter giants who see everything like this. Dunno.

I won't even mention the strength. Even with max speed and the noise of a plane's turbine, this piece of shit barely gets to 3 meters with direct aim. And I can't place it right under my butt, it needs to be near a window. And I'm 3 meters away from the window, and it doesn't reach that far. Though it's really noisy.

There's 1 more trick, it's called "an alarm". Just try to sleep to these sounds of Satan's chewing.

["Instructions"] The condensate is another bullshit.

The AC technically has to notify when the condensate needs to be drained. But instead, without any sound, it turned into the "Friendship of Nations" waterfall [TL note: a reference to a famous fountain in Moscow "Дружба народов"], erupting condensate from every hole. I won't even mention that the drain is positioned so low, that it's impossible to drain this muck without lifting the AC up. 

Why couldn't you place this thingy a bit higher, on the front panel? And not at the back! This piece of shit doesn't like to be moved or rotated: everything crumbles and falls from it. You could've done it like this, so you could just come up to it, pull it off, drain it and be done! BUT FUCK NO, it would make these customer idiots' lives too easy!

And so I had to come up with a new structure for it. It looks like this. Given that the condensate's drainage can't be controlled, a tub is placed under the AC. On the tub there's this thing, so the AC doesn't stand directly in the tub. A mirror on top so you could see the panel, and I also put a stick into the grate. Because I don't really like sticking my fingers into it, and there's no other way to change the air direction.

The result:
The Hyundai air conditioner is very nice! Just fucking great... FOR HYUNDAI CARS!

Yeah! If all the noise was suppressed by the car's hood, if it blew directly into your face with a distance of at least 1 meter, and the condensate was dripping from under the muffler and not onto your floor, then it's a fantastic AC! I think it was literally taken from Hyundai Solaris and jammed into this fucking shit, calling it a standing AC. I can't think of any other explanation on how they managed to make it blow such pathetic air with such huge dimensions. Don't ever think about buying this shit.

Part 3: STIR-REM.COM

And finally, the cherry on top of today's cake, aka the reason for my burning butt. STIR-REM.COM.
I just typed into Yandex [TL note: one of Russian search systems] "washing machine repair", and it was the first website that came up. So I thought "if they're in here, that means reputation actually means something to them". 

I called and said my washing machine broke, then was told the technician would contact me in 5 minutes. Seems fine for now, right? The technician calls me. He introduced himself as "meh...", by which I mean it was completely slurred. ["What?"] But asking for his name again felt awkward, so I'll just call him Vladimir [Oh phone: "Add contact. Name: Technician Vladim"].

We arranged for him to come tomorrow. Okay, tomorrow comes. He's here. Starts disassembling the washer. 15 minutes pass, I start to get nervous, because Vladimir hasn't said how much it'll cost yet. Of course, the prices on the website aren't that scary, but experience shows that if it says "from certain price", without "to certain price", that means its infinite. In my head I agreed on a sum of 5000 rubles, since the diagnostics are apparently free.

I cautiously asked "uhh, is it clear yet how much it'll cost?".
"6800".
"... But why is there such a price, hah?" [TL note: a reference to an old Russian meme of a pissed off lady calling an electronics shop]

I come up to Alina: "6800, uh, uhhh". We thought for a bit, then decided "fuck it, at least it'll finally work again".

Fine, fine— I tell him, 6800. Okay. That's expensive of course, but what can you do.
Vladimir nodded his head all satisfied and continued working. 10 minutes later he comes out of the parts and says: "Listen... you should've called for a technician sooner"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you see here... There's a finty peretrasified in the motor with a shposh, that's why fraks and bipibloops don't profocafack [it's a bunch of nonsense that means absolutely nothing]. Do you understand?"
"Uhhh, okaaay. So what?"
"Well, I would have to take the motor with me to the workshop, I'll fix it there in 3 days. Though you'd have to pay 1200 more"
"WHY SHOULD I, AAAAAAAA?!".

At this point I realized that if I say yes, he'll take the motor and then call me from the workshop and say: "Listen, I almost fixed it, but the zalimander in the turfunator stopped culibobing [more nonsense]. Do you understand?". Obviously I don't understand what the fuck he's saying. He's using these unfamiliar phrases on purpose. [Text on forehead: "DUMBASS"] If I called a technician, then there's a 90% chance I know nothing about this washer's parts. So he'll say: "Yeah, its almost done, you just need to pay 2000 more". And when I do and he comes with that fixed motor to put it back in, he'll say: "There's a zablabladied blonca in there, it needs to be changed. It's the last one though! After that it'll work. But you'll have to pay 3000 more, and 500 for this, and 500 for that, etc...". 

I realized it was a scam and that I need to get rid of this technician. So I say: "Ok no, stop. That makes it 8000 overall"
"Yeah" he says
"Then let's not. We'll buy a new one instead"
"What about this one?"
"We'll throw this one out. Just put all the parts you took out from it back in"
"How about I take it then? You don't need it anyway"
"No thanks, we'll take it out ourselves"
"Okay... then it'll be 2500!"
"For what?!"
"For consumables"
"What fucking consumables?!"
"Well, I used materials on it after all. I didn't know you'd refuse. And now I can't get them back. It's your own fault, you should've called for a technician sooner, then it would've costed way less"
"Bitch... WHY IS THERE SUCH A COST?! Alright, fine... Here's your 2500, just give me the receipt"
"Receipt? There's no receipt"
"What do you mean? Why?"
"Well, the washing machine isn't fixed, which means there's no documents, which means there's no receipt"
"Fuck, AAAAAAAAAA!!!". Took the money and left.

Now, let's see how many positive reviews are on this site. Beautiful. [Note on screen: "You obviously can't leave your own reviews here, by the way"] Only these are fake people. This rubbish was probably written by the director himself. Because something tells me I'm not the only unsatisfied customer. Hey! STIR-REM.COM! Maybe you should write a more truthful info on your shitty website, huh? 

For example, technician call — 2500 rubles. Cuz that's what I payed for fucking nothing. Motor repair from 6000 rubles, a few smart phrases for 500 rubles each [Note: "Pee in your ears"]. Do you understand that if I combine all those prices together, it'd still be less than 6000?

You might say "The organization isn't at fault, they just have that devil working for them". Oh yeah? But why the devil is that devil working there?! Seriously. They interviewed him, looked at his work experience, hired him.

How long has he worked there? Weren't there more cases like that before me? I doubt a technician like that has a good reputation. And I'm probably not the first who he decided to simply scam. And if that's the case then you, Vladimir, are very unlucky. Because most people can't do this... But I can.

[TL note: Some context for the following song. The word "com" in Russian ("ком") means "lump", that's why Dima mockingly sings "com govna" and "comok govna" (which literally means "lump of shit"). Thank you.]

A lump of shit rolling down,
And in that lump of shit
Work 45 specialists in scamming you!

Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!
Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!

12 whole years on the market,
Scamming people that long.
Supposedly 30% of the customers
Recommend these fuckers.
But, in fact, such a technician
I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy.
He'll come with no mask on,
And with no gloves on,
Leaving shit stains on the washer.

Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!
Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!

Solo!

[Speech bubbles during the solo:
1. Fuck! Why the fuck did I call him!?
2. Repair's more expensive that the washer!
3. Am I supposed to wipe the shit off myself?
4. Fuck it! I'll fix it on my own!]

If your washer has broken down,
If you wanna eat some shit,
If you're a dumbass — don't listen to me,
Just call STIR-REM.COM of shit!

Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!
Lump of shit, big lump of shit!
STIR-REM.COM of shit!
It's shit!