Metal Family Kitchen #4

[ORIGINAL VIDEO]

[TL Note: Metal Family Kitchen is a series of voice acting behind the scenes bloopers. In the original, Glam, Dee and Lydia are voiced by Zhenya, aka Blin. For clarity I will refer to Zhenya as the characters he voices.]

[EPISODE #7]

Dee: We made a deal. Tomorrow's my mu-...
Dima: We had a deal! Tomorrow's my music day!
Dee: It's just the word "muzden"... ["Muzden" means "music day", and it sounds sort of like a swear word]
Dima: [laughs]

Glam: Fifth or sixth open string.
Dee: Fuckin', like this? Nneh?
Alina: Too sarcastic.
Dee: Too BLEGH?
Dima: How do I play it on guitar? BLEGH! [laughs] All crooked like that. Fucking hell.
Dee: [angry grunts] I shat.
Dima: [laughs] Dee's on the toilet, episode 8!
Glam: Dee, you're on the toilet!
Dee: I wanna be able to pick up a guitar, go outside and...
Alina: [mockingly] Guitar!
Dee: Guitar!
Dima: Guitar!
Dee: Guitar! You hit me in the head with a guitar! That's from Puss in Boots. [Reference source]

Glam: [maniacal humming]
Alina: [laughs] That humming...

Glam: And you won't become Jimi Hendrix or Kirk... Kirk-... or Kirkorov. [He means Phillip Kirkorov, Russian pop singer]
Dima: [laughs] Maybe we should name someone else, not Kirk...?
Glam: I can. I can... be a big pile of shit. [he turns "ya mogu" (I can) into "ya moguchaya kuchka" (I'm a big pile of shit)]
Dima: [laughs] Ya moguga.
Alina: [unintelligible]
Dima: Ya mogu, ya mogu! [to Alina] Of course we have it.
Glam: [makes a tuning noise]
Dima and Glam: He's tuned!
Glam: Ok, that's it.

Glam: The lesson will start in 3... 2... 1... I'm smiling too widely!
Alina: Two!
Glam: Two! And take the... gikaku. [He turned the word "gitara" (guitar) into "gikaka" (no meaning, except "kaka" means "poop")]
Dima: And take the kaka!
Glam: And he's like: "Fucking what? What kaka?! This one?"
Dima: THEN. TAKE. THE. THING. THAT. YOU. CALLED. THE. GUITAAAAR.
Glam: RAR!
Dee: What's an "E"?!
Glam: It's a note! It's a note! It's a note... from a yenot. ["yenot" (енот) means "racoon"] [Text on screen: "Deenot"]
Dima: That was inevitable.
Glam: Yup.
No way, Dee! You don't know musical grammar?
Alina: What an asshole.
Glam: What a dumbass, unlike me. I know everything! Here it is!
Dima: And pull it!
Glam: And! Pull it!
Dima: [laughs] AND! Pull it. AND!!! Pull it. AND!!! Pull it.
Glam: And then the monitor cracks.
Dima: The fingerboard cracks.
Glam: And he's like "hisss" [from pain] every time.
What's-the-rush, Dee?
Alina: [mocks him]
Glam: [chicken noises]
And show everyone how pathetic of a guitarist you are?! To dishonor yourself, to dishonor me... [repeats some sounds, YouTube Poop style]
Dima: [laughs] That's it.

Glam: I warned you that you had no musical talent. I'm disappointed in you. Son.
Dima: You're nothing.
Glam: My little nothing.

Seb: Is it fine that the window's open?
Dima: Fuck it, it's fine.
Seb: Fuck it. Why can't the butler fuck it?
No, father. I'm not gonna speak into this shit. [gets smacked] Will there be an "ouch" sound?
Dima: Nope, there won't.
Seb: Ouch. Bass. Minor. I've got such long lines.
Ah ha ha, yup. [laughs]
Why can't the butler do his job? Oh, this job. WHY CAN'T HE... ALFRED! [A reference to Batmetal]

Dima: Basically his whole hand is bruised and he puts it under the stream and it really hurts, so he goes "OUUUCCCHHH". You can say it breathy like that.
Seb: Okay, I'll try something. [anime moan]
Dima: Don't. [moans himself]
Seb: Feels good!
Dima: [laughs]
Seb: No, mom, you imagined it. But mooom! You wanna ruin my life?! I hate you!

Seb: Roft... Lara Croft. Thank you, Rob-... Rob Schneider, Rob. Thank you, Roft... That music.
Dima: They just can't not play their fucking bullshit!
Seb: Recently we had a car drive by our place, and it was playing something good! Stuff I've heard on Ultra. [I think he means a Russian radio station, but not sure] Me and Lenka looked out the window, like no way! It's not a typical [sings a bit from a Russian pop song "18 мне уже"], or [sings a generic dance beat].

Seb: Ohhh, my favorite! May 29th, 3030. The war for glam metal rages.
Unless my hand fails me, since my dear father whipped it particularly hard with a ruler today.
Dima: Father...
Seb: FATHER.
I remember-remember-remember... Re-re-remember. He's never reached the second level, let alone the third. Let alone the third. [repeats 5 more times]
Dima: There, awesome.
Seb: [kicks Dima] Fuck off.
Dima: Here, have this.
Seb: Ohhhh, wow. Bring it in.
I almost finished voicing, but then I saw...

Seb: I don't really know what to do, cuz I look through this thing like this. Really, maybe it should be lower or something? I just can't do it like this.
Dima: Okay, let's lower it.
Alina: [unintelligible]
Seb: Nah, it's fine.
Alina: Is it comfortable?
Seb: Yeah-yeah.
Besides, it'd be great to... Goddammit. Fuck! Besides... Besides... It'd be great to... I dunno, I'm like [goofy noise].
Alina: It's fine, it's fine!

[text on screen: "Day" and "Take"]
Seb: Or would fear appear on your face? I'd love to see it...
Dima: Hmm... It should have more anger.
Seb: I'd love to see it. I'd love to see it. I'd love to see it. Wait, so is it with or without anger? I'd love to see it. [repeats 4 times] I'd love to see it on tha- well yeah-yeah, fuck, I'm sorry! I'd love to see it. [repeats 3 more times] He's turning into Joker or something. I'd love to see it.
Dima: Mmh, that's not angry.
Seb: Argh, why is this so hard?!

Seb: [small gasp]
Dima: Not like that. [gasps]
Seb: So like... [gasps] What's going on there anyway?
Dima: He saw a light bulb.
Seb: Oh! [gasps]
Dima: Uh-huh, done.

Seb: G-give it back! [shows off] Look at me!
Dima: "What, is it yours?", and he's like... [scared face]
Seb: [toots] Sorry. My father never taught me that.
[gasps and moans]
Alina: [gasps]
Seb: [anime gasp] There, that's enough material for a porno.
I did not pee myself!
Alina: Godlike!
Seb: For a text message sound. [laughs] Should've recorded this on camera.

Seb: I have a perfect pitch! I-DE-AL! ANAL! [Yes, he just turned "ideal" into "anal". The wonders of the Russian language]

Seb: Ha! I'm going to an entrance exam in the corser-... blegh. I'm going... to a fucking speech therapist!
Everyone: [laughs]
Seb: Okay. I'm going...
Dima: Sorry. "To fuck myself!"
Seb: [laughs]

Lady: Nobody knows that, you hopeless chicken.
Seb: You're right.
Alina: [laughs]

Seb: Who beat me? Who's this Harh... Harfas... Who's this Harmas...
Dima: [some reference to something I have no idea about, sorry]

Dima: First he comes out, pushes the door open. Then he comes down. Just like that.
Alina: Like Jim Carrey or something.
Seb: [Jim Carrey noises]
Dima: Actually you can do a few squeaks if you want.

Seb: Lice? Why only lice? You forced me to do this... [takes off mask]
Dima: And then he raises his face and-
Seb: LICE? Why am I... I'm transforming! LICE??? FUCK!
Dima: [laughs] GIVE ME LICE! HO HO HO!
Seb: One sec.

Seb: Maybe I'll bring coler- cholera. I just, I-I... One sec.
To infect everyone on purpose! So everyone dies!
Everyone: [claps]
Seb: Fuck yeah!