Metal Family Imagine #4

[ORIGINAL VIDEO]
[SUBBED VIDEO] by heavibear (@ratibear on Instagram)

Dima: TE-HE-HE! And now we continue to discuss the topic of “Imagine”. Since the very first “Imagine” lots of people wrote about Lord of The Rings. Winx too, of course, but c’mon guys, we’re not gonna watch all seasons of this crap. Sorry.

And we’ve already mentioned and talked about LOTR before, so making an Imagine on it was inevitable. However, unlike Harry Potter where we could just put the characters in the setting, we can’t do that here. Because they’re just gonna swim in this world like shit in an ice hole, and won’t do anything interesting. [Text on pot: “Lord of The Rings”]

And since LOTR has, to put it mildly, way more characters than Metal Family, we’ll have to drop not only blood relationships, but also the entire timeline. [Glam on screen: “You’re not my son anymore.”] You’ll see what I mean. Let’s go!

The world is changed.

Glam: You’re late! I’ve been waiting for an hour!
Ches: A wizard is never late, nor is he early, and arrives precisely-… By the way, where am I?
Glam: You’re back!
Ches: Yeah, I can’t live without your Prostokvashino. [A reference to a Russian cartoon “Prostokvashino”. Prostokvashino is the name of a village]
Glam: Gandalf, it’s The Shire.
Ches: Ohh, I see. I was wondering where the cats were...
Glam: I’m so happy to see you!
I hope nothing will happen this time. Cuz every time you appear, some shit always happens.
Ches: Don’t worry kid, this time I guarantee you that everything well be-…
You gotta take this cursed ring! Take it!
Glam: No! No, no, no!
Ches: And you’ll be hunted by huge Nazguls!
Glam: Nooo!
Ches: Seems like one of them is here, outside!
Kid Ches: Ow!
Ches: Come here. What are you doing here, kid?
Kid Ches: Me? I, uh, take care of the weeds here.
Ches: Do you know him?
Glam: Yeah, it’s Sam, our gardener.
Ches: Great. You will accompany Frodo to Prancing Pony. It’s a bar. I’ll wait for you there. And be careful Frodo, don’t trust that dumbass. I don’t like him. Who knows who he’ll grow up into.
Kid Ches: I already grew to my full size.
Ches: Exactly. Fuck you.
Glam: Gandalf, will you really be there?
Ches: Don't worry, kid. I guarantee-...

Glam: What do you mean he was last seen half a year ago?! He must be here!
Kid Ches: C'mon dude, chill out. Here, drink this, it'll loosen your mind.
Glam: Ew, what's this?
Kid Ches: It's cider.
Glam: Excuse me, who is that horrifyingly charming person?
Bug: That one? In these parts we call 'em... bikers.
Kid Ches: Well, feel better?
Glam: Yup.

Kid Ches: Take your hands off me, you red turd! I'm his gardener, hear me?!
Glam: Marry me!
Vicky: If I understand anything, you have the One Ring and you're being chased by Nazguls. And rest assured, they'll arrive here very soon. But don't worry, I have a plan.

Kid Ches: What the hell!
Vicky: It's a good thing I always book 2 rooms.
Kid Ches: Oh. But why did we leave Frodo there?
Vicky: What do you mean "leave"?!
Son of a bitch! He was stabbed by the morgul-knife... 16 times. He should be taken to Elrond, our medicine is useless here.

Ches: Wake up, Frodo!
Glam: Gandalf! But... why didn't you meet us at Prancing Pony?
Ches: I'll tell you. I took some old archives to my old friend Saruman. He was an alright dude, but he went crazy for some reason. He told me...
Glam (Saruman): I did the calculations. The army of Mordor, which had exceeded both elves and humans together, is growing exponentially. At this rate we have no chances. The only options is to join Sauron's army.
Ches: Are you insane?
Glam (Saruman): No. I'm just thinking logically and rationally. Join us, Gandalf.
Ches: Tell me... When did Saruman the Wise became a fucking pussy?!
Glam (Saruman): Today!
Ches: Damn...
I kept thinking about how I could escape. And I couldn't think of anything better than...
Glam: Jump off the roof of a 100-story tower?!
Ches: Well, yeah! But some eagle was flying by and I fell right on him. The eagle didn't survive...

Gustav: Come over here, now. Practically nothing can destroy the ring. To do that, you need to take it to Mount Doom, stand on top of the volcano and play G F-sharp A! ... In a minor scale.
Everyone: What is he talking about?
Glam: I got that!
Gustav: Then you'll go.
Glam: Hey, I didn't say I will... I haven't practiced in a while.
Kid Ches: It's alright dude, I'll go with you! Someone has to wash your socks.
Glam: Actually, it was me who washed your socks!
Kid Ches: Then who's gonna wash my socks?
Bug: You have my sword.
Dee: And you have my bow.
Heavy: And my axe!
Glam: Aragorna, wanna come with us?
Vicky: Shit.

Dee: Losers.
Heavy: Bitch. Why's he making fun of us?
Dee: What? According to the book I gotta run on the snow, bursting with laughter.
Vicky: What kind of mother would raise such an asshole?

Heavy: Where do we go now?
Ches: I dunno.
Glam: Gandalf, are we lost?
Ches: Probably.
Glam: I saw something! It's some... thing, over there!
Ches: Yeah, that's Lyd-... Gollum. He's been following us from the start.

Glam: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Ches: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. But I'm here to help you bare this burden, Frodo. Don't worry, I'll be with you until the end.
Glam: Really?
Ches: I guarantee-...

Glam: Gandalf!
Ches: I'm the keeper of the kidney stones. Dark fire will not avail you, you fucking flame.
Glam: Gandalf!
Ches: You shall not pass! ... Shit. Why are you standing there? Run, fools!
Glam: Nooo!

Kid Ches: Let's run, Frodo!

Kid Ches: Hey, where are you going?!
Glam: Go home, Sam. I'll do it alone.
Kid Ches: No way, I won't leave you!
Glam: Sam, don't be foolish! You can't swim!
Kid Ches: Well yeah, I can't.
Glam: Sam... The hell... Are you... walking on water?
Kid Ches: No, on dolphins.
Glam: What?! This is a river! There are no dolphins he-...
Fuck.
Kid Ches: I guess it's that way.

Anna: Father, look! I'm gonna fight!
Glam (Saruman): Wonderful! You're doing it.
Ches: Alright. I'm Gandalf the White now. I'm going to exorcise you, Saruman.
Glam (Saruman): Who's Saruman? It's me, the King of Rohan.
Put that shit away!
Ches: Hand, Saruman, hand!
Glam (Saruman): Ow! Asshole!
Anna: Father! You're finally back to normal! Look, I'm gonna fight!
Mustached man: Are you crazy?! What do you mean?!
Anna: But father, I really can do it!
Mustached man: You're a woman. Go cook some food.
Anna: Nooo! You should've stayed as that idiot!
You're so strong, so cool... I also wanna go to war. Can I come with you?
Vicky: Uh... no? Go cook some food instead.
Anna: B-but you... You're the same as me!
Vicky: Don't even compare us. I'm... not exactly human.
Anna: Fuck.

Heavy: Hey, I killed 3!
Dee: I killed 15.
Heavy: Whaat?! Just you wait...
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12... Damn, lost count. 1, 2...
Dee: *Counts from 17 to 100*

Lydia: The ring... The ring... I'll sell it, I'll sell it... Get 100 bucks... Yacht! Yacht!
Glam: Okay, we gotta get down here.
Kid Ches: Uh-huh. I'll tie my signature knot.
Glam: Are you sure it won't unravel?
Kid Ches: I'm sure it won't.
Lydia: Yacht! Yacht!
Glam: I think we can set up camp here. Wait, where's the rope?
Kid Ches: Oops, I think we forgot to untie it. It's fine, forget about it. I'm sure it'll stay there, might be useful on the way back.
Glam: But how will we go on without it?! Let's go back.
Kid Ches: Well, fine.
Oh... what's this?
Glam: Looks like it's Gollum. And... he fell.
Kid Ches: Uh-huh... Guess he relied too much on my knot's durability.
Glam: That's horrible!
Kid Ches: Well, at least he won't bother us again! Who knows what the hell he wanted.

Vicky: Let the lord of the Black Land come forth! Let justice be done upon him!
What the hell is that...
Stasik: Sir, sir! Please put down your bladed weapons. It's prohibited to wield bladed, edged weapons in public places.
Vicky: I'll show you edged weapons...
Stasik: Are you threatening me? Article 119 of the Criminal Code states that any mental abuse in forms of threats are criminalized-...
Vicky: Fucker.
Stasik: And that is a murder!

Glam: What?! Oh no! Sam, the ring! It's gone!
The orcs must've taken it while I was held captive.
Kid Ches: Well, no... I took it.
Glam: Really? Where is it?
Kid Ches: Well... I, uh... dropped it.
Glam: Dropped it?! Where?!
Kid Ches: There.
Glam: How did you get over there?!
Kid Ches: I went to take a piss and got lost, saw a volcano and decided to piss in it.
Shiiit!
Glam: That's it, Sam. We're done for. The lava's everywhere, we're doomed.
Kid Ches: What do you mean? Let's go home.
Glam: How?!
Kid Ches: Well, I dunno. Maybe some gigantic eagles will come save us from here.
Glam: Very funny, Sam. I'd sooner believe-... Seriously?!