Metal Family: Ches answers questions

[ORIGINAL VIDEO]
[SUBBED VIDEO] by heavibear (@ratibear on Instagram)

Ches: Hey, dude. Come on in, don't be shy. Perhaps you're curious about this year's novelties? Or maybe you're a fan of classic vinyl? Or maybe you're interested in musical instrume— DON'T touch that. Ah, you're just here for fun. Well, if you got any questions, go right ahead. I'll answer.

"How did you wipe with a guitar?"
Ches: That was unexpected. Well, it's not so easy to do. You'd need practice, special equipment, and physical training. Start with paper first.

"What's your full name?"
Ches: You from the tax office? Um, my name is...Victor Stoltz. How's that?

"Why do you help grannies cross the road? Are you a granny-lover?"
Ches: Dude, grannies aren't gonna cross roads themselves. And as for granny-lovin'... I love everyone.

"Please comment on this."
Ches: Hm. Nice house. Why do you need my comment. Look how many there are already.

"Do you miss the old times and WhoAreThoseFreaksOnStage? Did the band break up or are you still doing concerts?"
Ches: What's the point of dwelling on the past? Live in the present. The band broke up, yeah. Like uranium breaks down into...what was it again? Electrons or something. Glam knows. He always corrects me.

"Ches, do you want a family?"
Ches: Interesting fetish.

"Are you adopted?"
Ches: Anything's possible. Maybe I am adopted. Maybe you too are adopted. Maybe everything's adopted.

"What's the meaning of life?"
Ches: At this second it's sitting here and answering your questions while sipping on green tea.

"What inspired you to write a song about a pine?"
Ches: When I was a kid, we had a tree growing near our house. A beautiful...birch. I tried singing "There grows the birch! There grows the birch!" But that didn't really work. So...had to go with "pine" instead.

"Do you have your own shop?"
Ches: Dude, are you serious? What do you think this is?

"Could you tell us about it? What made you open it?"
Ches: Ohhh, it's a very interesting story. But the stones forbid me from telling it. Sorry.

"Fave grandma?"
Ches: Yes.
[In Russian "lyubimaya babushka?" (fave grandma?) can be read both as "(who's your) fave grandma?" and "is grandma loved?" Ches replied to the latter.]

"Do you like garlic?"
Ches: Garlic by itself isn't that tasty, but when it sits in the pan and absorbs into the oil, and then that oil absorbs into the chicken...that's when you experience its full flavor potential.

"Where's the green rooster?"
Ches: We decided not to buy it in the end.

"Would you like to have a girlfriend and start a family, have kids, or do you prefer a hermit lifestyle?"
Ches: Why would I need to start a family? I already have one. As for the hermit lifestyle... Dude, I'm no hermit, I'm a hoarder.

"How do you wipe your ass with a guitar? Glam said you could do it. I really need it. I got two guitars and two bass guitars at home, and toilet paper's getting more expensive, heh."
Ches: "Here's the proof." Dude, you already got everything. You just need a little practice. 'Course, it'll be hard to reach the bass on the left, it'll be easier to switch them around. And I'd lower the bar a little.

"What do you think of bikes? Do you ride them? Got your own?"
Ches: Bikes aren't for me. Cars have one huge advantage over motorcycles: you can make love in them. But you shouldn't do that on motorcycles. Seriously, I don't recommend even trying.

"Ches, what is between you and Anna?" This picture again for some reason.
Ches: Nothing illegal.

"Are you a belyashi type of guy or chebureki?" [Belyash (aka peremech) is a type of pastry filled with meat. Same with cheburek, only it's deep-fried.]
Ches: I'm a burrito guy.

"Would you rather get a fork in the eye or bend over once?" [Russian prison slang]
Ches: Dude, you gotta cover your ass. As they say, ”a fork in time saves your ass."
[In the original Ches mixes 2 Russian proverbs: a spoon's valuable at dinner (дорога ложка к обеду) — which means everything has its time; protect your honor young (береги честь смолоду) — which means you should cherish your honor from a young age.]

"Are you a stoner?"
Ches: I'm not, I think.

"Do you talk to your mom?"
Ches: We used to talk a lot. Someday we'll cross paths again. I've got so much to tell her...

"Do you like King Crimson, Pink Floyd, Oasis and Nirvana?"
Ches: Oh, yeah. Lemme put it on. And there's nothing you can freaking do about it. What? Copyright law? This is my shop.

"Ches, when did you first kiss a cigarette and why do you keep doing it?"
Ches: You don't kiss a cigarette, you suckle on it.

"What happened to your father?"
Ches: I don't know. But him and I have something in common: we both don't give a shit about each other.

"What do you listen to?"
Ches: Music. What about you? [Russian rap starts playing] Oh god... Girl, you're not right in the head!

"So how's that grandma?"
Ches: Don't worry, everything's okay. At least with that one.

[The post says: "The question's been deleted by the author or the admin."]
"Hey, Ches. How did you lose your teeth?"
Ches: Tooth, not teeth. The tooth had fallen in an unequal battle with the stool.

"What kind of music do you like besides rock?"
Ches: As long as it's music, and not this... ["music" noises] A bunch of fucking noise! How can you listen to this fucking bullshit! What's the next question?

"How was your musical journey?“
Ches: It was...a trip.

"Do you like System of a Down?"
Ches: Well, yeah. Shavo's beard is pretty cool.

"What's up, Ches?"
Not much. You know, as they say, "a slow and steady rolling stone...gathers no moss."
[Ches likes to mix together a lot of Russian proverbs. The ones used here are: The quieter you go, the further you'll get (тише едешь — дальше будешь), which is an equivalent for "slow and steady wins the race"; No water flows under a lying stone (под лежачий камень вода не течет), which means that if you undertake no action, you will achieve nothing.]

"What cigarettes do you smoke?"
Ches: I dunno, there's always crap written on them. This one's called malaria, before that was syphilis, infertility, periodontal disease, heart attack, amputation, impotence... Like the names of some death metal bands.
[In Russia (as well as some other countries), cigarette packaging has graphic labels to discourage people from smoking.]

"Favorite track?"
Ches: Star Trek.

"Why can't we ring the bell? *ring*" [They mean the bell on Ches's desk that says "Don't even think about ringing it".]
Ches: I'll ring you. I'll ring your stupid head. You come in here and the first thing you see is the bell, so you ring it, huh? You ring it to call the shopkeeper, and can’t you see I'm right here in front of you? You blind? Keep your paws off. Sorry.

"Do you like pineapple on pizza?"
Ches: I don't know what fetishist invented that. Putting pineapple on a pizza with chicken... I mean, I like it, but you gotta agree.

"I'd like to know what you think about fish. Also, any idea why Glam hates them so much?" [Note: In Russian "fish" is both the name of the animal and the "Pisces" horoscope sign.]
Ches: Well, duh. They're all narcissistic and prone to depression. I know what I'm talking about. I am one. Though I don't think I'm narcissistic nor prone to depression...

"Hey, Ches. Tell us, please, did you meet Glam at the conservatory? Or your first meeting was with the light bulb?"
Ches: Actually yes, my first meeting was with the light bulb. And only then with Glam.

"Ches, what's your favorite Korol i Shut album?"
Ches: I like Acoustic Album. It has strings, guitars, drums and...bass.

"How about a beer?"
Ches: I prefer green tea.

"Hello, Ches, how old are you?"
Ches: I lost count somewhere after 28. I don't even celebrate birthdays.

"What was the guitar incident Glam talked about?!?"
Ches: Hey, it had nothing to do with me! It got screwed in there on its own, got it? I just stood there and held it.

[Actual question on screen: "Your real name?"]
"Why did you name it Cougar?"
Ches: Because it was cool-ar.
[Ches makes a name pun here. In the original he says "panther" instead of "cougar", and replies that it's "pontovaya" (flashy/cool) which sounds very close to "panther".]

"Why did Glam slap you?"
Ches: For a reason.

"What whiskey would you recommend? Got a favorite?"
Ches: The important thing is that it's fully aged. I wonder why it's called "fully aged". Is it because it's aged "fully"? I actually don't agree with that. Everybody has their own full age. I don't think mine has come yet.
[The pun here is that in Russian "of age/legal age" is "sovershennoletie". It's a mix of the words "sovershenniy" (ideal) and "let" (years/age). So Ches is asking why it's called "ideal age".]

"How did you come to study music? Was there some kind of push?"
Ches: Well yeah, I came to study music, and I think I ate something bad...and then had to do a lot of pushing on the toilet. So yeah, there was a push.
[Another pun here. "Push" in Russian (толчок) can mean both "to thrust/apply force" and "a toilet".]

"What was it like living with Glam?"
Ches: Like with any blondie. Now, don't get the wrong idea, I'm not sexist. Or maybe I am...

"How did you start playing the guitar?"
Ches: Like this. Then I got better.

"Who are you more fond of, Heavy or Dee?"
Ches: For now I'm more fond of Dee, but Heavy's growing on me faster.

"Why do you come into Vicky and Glam's house through the window??"
Ches: Because they're great guys. I feel good with them. I hope it's mutual.

"How old are you, and why do you look so great?"
Ches: Green tea.

"Have you listened to the band Gradusi and what's your fave song? Mine's ‘Who Are You?’"
Ches: No, I haven't. Let's see... [puts on “Who Are You?” by Gradusi] Enough. Are you serious? [Second comment one screen: "Good taste."] And yeah, Glam's the last person who'd ever call it "good taste".

"Ches, what was the real reason you were late to the poker game?"
Ches: What do you mean late? I came just in time.

"Oh, really?"
Ches: Yeah, really.

"Are you gay?"
Ches: I'm ga-hey-hey.
[More puns. In Russian "ege-gei" (ga-hey-hey) sounds like "gay".]

"Ches, your name?"
Ches: Ches is my name, yes.

"What was it like working with Glam in the same musical band?"
Ches: Oh, it wasn't easy. The thing is, Glam’s too pedantic. You know when you move from one measure to the next, and you wanna do a little overlap, like "dodo do". To do this "dodo do", you gotta place the pauses first, then shorten the notes, add two notes at the end of the measure, and only then put the first note on the next measure. It's much easier to just write two consecutive notes at the start of the measure, but Glam would start saying that it's wrong and rewrite the whole thing. As if I don't know it's wrong. It's just easier to write. Anyway, he's a pain.

"Tell us about the first time you tried alcohol, cigarettes and a woman. What exactly didn't you like about them?"
Ches: What I didn't like in alcohol, cigarettes and a woman was, uhh...the taste and the consequences.

"Favorite Radiohead song?"
Ches: Favorite song? “I Can't” from Pablo Honey.

"How did you learn to play so masterfully?"
Ches: I don't play masterfully, I just...play.

"Favorite anecdote?"
Ches: Alright, listen to this. There once was a king, and he was cross-eyed. One time he went wherever his eyes led him...and ripped in two.

"What do you think of Sebastian's family?"
Ches: Sebastian? Who's that?

"Ches, how do you attract good luck?"
Ches: Good luck can't be attracted. You don't have the strength to attract it to yourself. You just gotta accept it the way it is.

"Ches, are you God?!"
Ches: God's in me. He's in you too. Trust in God, but get your skis ready in summer.
[Another case of Ches mixing Russian proverbs: Trust in God but don't make mistakes (на Бога надейся, а сам не плошай), which is an equivalent for "god helps those who help themselves"; Get your sleigh ready in summer and your wagon in winter (готовь сани летом, а телегу зимой), which means you should plan everything in advance.]

"How did you spend Glam and Vicky's wedding?"
Ches: I don't remember. That means it was good.

"AOOAOA"
Ches: Good question. Too bad nobody supported it.

"Will you be my husband? I'm ready to marry you."
Ches: [reads the person's information] School number 23. Oh wait, you're over 18. I'll think about it.

"Ches, where did you get that bracelet on your hand???"
Ches: From the cereal box.

"What do you think about Dee?"
Ches: I feel a bit sorry for the guy. Too smart to be happy.

"Chesnok, is Heavy your son?"
Ches: No, no. Definitely not.

"Do you have kids?"
Ches: Most likely.

"Do you know about the “My Little Pony” cartoon? What's your opinion on it, and which character do you like the most?"
Ches: “My Little Pony”? Nah, I don't watch stuff like that. I like cartoons like “Wise Little Gudgeon”, “Ikaros and Wise Men”, and “Wow, a Talking Fish”. [old soviet cartoons]

"Give-a me a guitar." [misspelled]
Ches: Sorry, I don't speak Italian.

"Favorite type of croutons?"
Ches: With horseradish.

"What's your favorite movie?"
Ches: Well, I have a lot of them. Glam and I recently watched “Caniche”. We liked it, great movie. So many cool shots, and the main role is wonderful.

"Are you on drugs?"
Ches: Life is a drug, enjoy it.

"Ches, do you and Anna have sex with no obligations?"
Ches: I hope so.

"How can one be so cool and so zonked at the same time?"
Ches: I don't know, never met anyone like that.

"Ches, where are you fhome?"
Ches: From home. I think.
[More puns. The person mistakenly wrote "roddom" (maternity home) instead of "rodom" (from), so Ches jokingly said he's from a maternity home.]

"What animal body part would you want to have?"
Ches: Oh, I'd want a pouch like a kangaroo. It'd be useful. And a tail for a full set.

"How would you characterize each member of Glam's family? Describe them with one or a few words." [The rest of the comment: "Who do you bet on? Which brother will find a partner first?"]
Ches: Glam — herbarium. Dee — basement. Heavy — windmill. Vicky — bolt cutter.

"What does aunt Anna like for breakfast?"
Ches: Eggs. Soft-boiled.
[The joke here is that the Russian word "eggs" (yaytsa) can also mean "testicles".]

"When and how did you realize you had an ear for music?"
Ches: I haven't realized that yet.

"Ever wanted to go back to the past and change something?"
Ches: We choose a path at the crossroads to avoid destiny, and that's exactly where we find it. So there's nothing to change.

"How do you feel about Siberian punk-rock? (Grazhdanskaya Oborona, Cherniy Lukich, Instruktsiya po Vizhivaniyu?)"
Ches: Oh, I love it. Rusty bunker is my freedom. [He's referencing the lyrics of the song “Gosudarstvo” by Grazhdanskaya Oborona.]

"Ches, which subgenres of metal do you not like?"
Ches: Probably grindcore and death metal. Too many notes.

"What was Dee's reaction when he first saw Heavy?"
Ches: Oh, he had such an expression...like he wanted to strangle him.

"What advice can you give us?"
Ches: Oh, a simple one: learn to have fun. I know how to have fun. For me, almost anything's fun...except those people at the park. What were they called? Animators. Walking around, entertaining people with their animation. But it's hard to animate me.
[This is a joke about Ches being literally hard to animate. Only here, "animators" refers to "entertainers".]

"What's up? Read the passage: Day faded; on the table, glowing, the samovar of evening boiled, and warmed the Chinese teapot; flowing beneath it, vapor wreathed and coiled." [a passage from Pushkin's Eugene Onegin]
Ches: Awesome.

"Ches, do you know the universe loves you?"
Ches: It's mutual.

"Ches, who do you like more, Hetfield or Mustane?"
Ches: I definitely like Papa Het more. He knows how to bring music to the masses. Mustane overcomplicates his music.

"What do you think about the fact that you're only an animated cartoon character made by two people in order to satisfy their creative needs?"
Ches: Heh, such meager needs.

"What made you interested in Glam when you first met?"
Ches: I wouldn't be so sure about who was more interested.

"Your favorite colorrrrrr."
Ches: The eggs of a wandering thrush.

"Just wanna say you're a good son. Your mom is lucky."
Ches: ...

"What advice would you give to the younger generation?"
Ches: Giving advice is useless. Each new generation doesn't listen to the advice of the old. That's the whole point. So take the hard knocks. I've had my share.

"No hablo ruso." [Spanish: "I don't speak Russian."]
Ches: No te preocupes. [Spanish: "Don't worry about it."]

"How did Glam introduce you to Victoria? Have you ever assumed he likes girls with a tough personality, a motorcycle, and everything?"
Ches: I wasn't sure he liked girls at all.

"Do you like hairy dudes?"
Ches: Let me say this: if a person has long hair, then— Oh, Dee, hi! You're kinda...just in time.
Dee: Well, yeah, I thought we agreed on 2 pm.
Ches: You said you wanted me to keep something for a while?
Dee: Yeah, if you don't mind. And who were you talking to just now?
Ches: Oh, no one. Come on, show me what it is.